Love you Chris. Forever and ever. x

I've just come back from spending two days in Paris with my mother.

It was a break within a break, a departure from my usual non routine, probably well needed. My mum was good company, although it was like a pensioner's outing, but so what? Perhaps this is what comes of being the ugly one, left on the shelf; or perhaps the one least willing to compromise.

I can't get used to my hair, I hate the way Chinese hairdressers always cut the layers too short and thin on me, even though this time I expressly told him I only wanted a trim, and long layers. I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway, I don't have Chris anymore.

After crying my eyes out the first day or so post break up I haven't really cried again since, nor felt much like crying. Chris sent me an e-mail the evening after, I guess that made me feel much better, knowing that he's still amicable enough to reach out to me. Once the emotions calm down the reality of the fact that it really wasn't going to work out irrefutably surface.
He's having his karaoke party with his flat mate at his flat tonight, even as I type. I wonder how it's going. I haven't replied to his last e-mail, I figured I'd save it for when I have something important to say. I wonder how long it'll take before he stops thinking about me at all; not that he was that attentive to me in the end. I suspect in the future if I send him any e-mails he'll always reply in good friendship, unlike Bill. I wonder if he's stopped thinking about me in that way already, or whether he'd fallen out of lust with me a time ago. I'm surprised by how quickly the pain is passing, I had been so heart broken to begin with. If it's like this for me, what is it like for him? How long will it take before I don't think about him much at all? I can hardly believe it. My adorable blond Scot. Not so much mine after all. I wish life were not so complicated.

I can't believe its been almost a year since my last blog!

Updates:

-I gave up on California, and the USA, I'm going to stay in London for the foreseeable future, and Hong Kong is always a possibility...
-I contacted American ex at the beginning of the year when I was in California, he was still his same boring self, still up to nothing, still not sure what to do with his life. I haven't heard from him since, apart from him joining Facebook unexpectedly in the middle of the year. I stalked his page a little for a short while, but he has absolutely nothing going on on it, and has a total of 4 friends, even though its been months now. 3 now, because I deleted him.
-I have worked in three different hospitals this year so far, two of them in London, two of which I was sacked from, in London. Working in London is a bitch.

And then:
I went out with a Scottish guy for 8 months and just broke up with him yesterday. It was heart breaking, but well... he's just not long term material, and I have to see if there's anybody else out there who's more suitable. Although I was still majorly hurt when he let me go without so much as a whimper. I cried all night, giving myself panda eyes in the morning. I worried that mum would notice, but fortunately she didn't, I'm beginning to use my specs as a crutch to hide behind. I didn't want to her know I'm going through emotional heart break stuff, Chinese people just don't do that. She doesn't even know about Chris, basically cos I was never really sure about his long term suitability. But I had a wonderful time with him, he was young, lively, blonde, a go getter and achiever, everything American ex was not. And he adored me, at least initially, perhaps not so much in the end, hence the ending of the relationship. He didn't call me so much anymore, and he was beginning to show irritation and impatience at times which was unlike him. But when we had our break up chat he was back to his lovely smiley exuberant self, all signs of the moody tired Chris gone. It was weird hearing him vocalise his unwillingness for marriage commitment, I guess up until then I'd only heard him say lovely things about me. He insisted on hugging me, and I cried, and he cried a little too. I almost regretted my decision to end it, a part of me was upset that he did not try to talk me out of it. But then I remembered, I really did want to see if there was anbody else out there for me, someone... Chinese.

Apart from my heart break, which has been eased by periodic bouts of uncontrolled sobbing, and the promise or at least the tentative verbalised possibility that we would remain friends, and in contact... what's going on with Zannah? The last few photos of her on her blog she looks like a coked out hag!