i am feeling lost. the sun is shining, its lovely and warm, and i am sitting in a lab all by myself typing away at the computer in the dark. i just want! i want to get good results, but its just so hard! i want to go to barcelona, but i've left it so late, and the deadline's so close, and i don't have a convincing argument to present to my supervisor to let me go.

ally mcbeal's being canned! its the end of an era. i''ll be finishing my phd and moving on with my life, trying to find that guy, that soul mate.

just saying.

i gave my talk yesterday. i read it out from two pieces of paper (both sides), my voice quavering, and the presence of my supervisor dominating one side of the room. unfortunately i couldn't think on my feet when the questions came round, and when i failed to answer three questions in a row properly, i think people at that point were afraid to ask me anymore questions. also one of the guys who'd asked me a question got carried away and was going on about this tiny point in my talk which i hadn't any idea about, and everybody commented on him being out of line afterwards. oh well, i hope that won't be my coup de grace before i leave, whatever a coup de grace means.

i just looked it up, according to dictionary.com it means:
1. A deathblow delivered to end the misery of a mortally wounded victim.
2. A finishing stroke or decisive event.

so i think i was going more for the second definition, because the first definition sounds a bit harsh.

i went to the exhibition bodyworlds yesterday. i know it sound stupid, but i didn't realise there were going to be actual dead bodies there, i thought they were just sculptures made out of moulds that were done on bodies. i know this is going to sound pretty gross, but they were all actual real human bodies, that have all been preserved using this process called plastination. i'm not entirely sure what it involves, but it sound like it involves the use of plastic. so he had all these bodies with varies layers of tissue taken off, skin, muscle, to show what it all looks like in there. he also had them posing, and it was obvious he had a really morbid sense of humor, this guy, as an example, one of the sculptures was a man on a horse, both obviously plastinated, both without skin, and the man held (his own, presumably) a brain in one hand, and the horse's brain in the other. it sounds alot more gory than it actually looks, i think the removal of the skin was necessary, as otherwise the bodies would look really creepy then. this way, they don't really look... well, real. i won't say anymore, because it sounds a lot gorier than it looks. but i guess its all there on the website anyway.

for the first time in a month, this weekend i didn't go out to socialise, simply because no one asked me to. well i probably wouldn't have gone anyway, as i was in a bit of a flap trying to draft out my talk. and i thought that was really sad. but still, its a major improvement from a few years ago, when i never went out. and it doesn't look like i'll be doing anything this weekend either. sigh. still, tomorrow i'll give my talk, and then i'll be going to see the BodyWorlds exhibition in the evening with some lab colleagues.

how do these people find something to write everyday? i keep on thinking i'll submit something for iistix, or something for ickle.org, or a photo for the mirror project, but i just never seem to get around to it. it just takes up too much time and effort than i'm willing to part with. which is ridiculous, really because i must waste something like 30 minutes browsing through all these other websites, looking for interaction.

i'm giving my talk tomorrow. i'm not feeling nervous yet. but its still not completely ready yet! trust me to leave it all for the last minute. there are either not enough hours in the day, or my brain just don't work fast enough.

i'm in the lab now, at 9.30pm. this place really is like my second home. my home away from home. what'll i do when i have to leave? go to the far away places warm from atleast 12 hours of sunshine. having said that though, at the moment it's staying light until almost 8pm now in london, and i really like that. i've been to hawaii, stayed there for 2 weeks. being nearer the equator, it is always dark at about 7pm, all year round. what i'd really like is a place which is warm, and light from 7am til 9pm. you don't often hear good things said about english weather, and for years and years i hated it, being the land of perpetual darkness and grey skies. but in the summertime, sometimes its daylight until 9pm, and i love it. in those places far up north, places like iceland, during the summer i hear its sometimes daylight for 24 hours. amazing. no wonder they're all so friendly up there.

i'm giving a talk next week. and i can not be bothered. all i care about is that i hope no one shows me up with the wrong question.

i'm dreaming of far away places in the warmth of the sun.

i'm avoiding gus.

although i'll be coming into the lab during the weekend, so undoubtedly i'll bump into him then.