E-mail to the Ex

You always tell me to tell you when you do something to upset me. And yet I didn't feel I could because I knew it would just spark off an argument. You want people to tell you, and yet you can not take criticism. You don't take criticism on board, and you think you are right and everybody else is wrong. You get pissed off when people forget to do things for you, and yet you often forget to do things for other people, like getting those mushrooms for Chris, writing e-mails to me. You always tried to make a fool out of me, and make me lose confidence in myself by testing my pharmaceutical knowledge, and yet you can not even remember what your own grandmother was in hospital for last Christmas. That was the main problem I had with you, that you always tried to make me feel bad by making me feel stupid. I felt I had to prove myself to you all the time, when you were the one constantly complaining about your own life. You couldn't teach me salsa, everytime I did a move wrong, which felt like every move, you'd tell me off in that 'god you're so dumb' tone of voice and then walk off in disgust, that I had a complex about dancing salsa with you. Even when I did yoga, you had to criticise. You complained about everything, nothing was good enough, not your studies, not your friends, not your family. You complained about not having any friends, which was totally insulting to me and would be to the friends that you actually did have, if they knew what you thought. And your family call and think about you all the time, and yet you were perpetually criticising the way they were, what they did, even the presents they sent you for Xmas. Often when I asked you questions you would take ages before coming up with an answer, and yet when I stumble answering your question about the difference between antidepressants and opiates the face you pulled was so awful that I will never forget it. And yet you tell me that you didn't think you were being mean to me, which is complete and total bullshit, to use a phrase you're so fond of. If you can't tell when you're being an asshole and when you're not then you're seriously screwed up.
I tried to be dignified and stay silent, but everytime I question myself at work, everytime there's something drug related that I can't answer, I'm reminded of that look in your face, that you're so stupid look, and I feel my confidence waver. It makes me so furious, and it's driving me mad, and I think the only way to make it go away is writing this e-mail. Because I am not stupid, and I just think you were very unhappy. I'm glad we're not together anymore.

My December Social Calender

It's funny, a year ago my social life and work life was DOA, and my love life was kind of there but on its last legs. But now since the discovery of all these social networks via the wonderous internet, it's certainly transformed, if not perfect. More a work in progress (do I really want to mess that up by going off to the states next year? Hmm). There's little to be done about my love life, but I have recently found my social calender filling up really nicely without too much hair tearing. I seem to be broaching a point of being, (gasp, could it be??) well, happy.
Last night I was invited out by a couple of people I'd met at a BCS British Chinese Society social to another BCS social, and found my pleasantly entertained by the company and venue, Ruby Lo @ Sequoia where the music was good, the cocktails were good, and I'm fairly certain most of the patrons were authentic Londoners. Through that I found out I could be a volunteer at the BCS Xmas Ball in 2 weeks time, therefore not feel bad about going on my own, and possibly get in for a reduced rate. The only thing is that very same weekend, just the night before Backabush - my favourite hiking group are also doing an Xmas party at Sway which I really fancy going to. It should be OK, I just won't drink.
Next Friday my work place are doing an Xmas dinner at Dragons, in Bedford, again. Ah, the magic of home county Chinese buffet. I'm getting to kind of like these guys, and I actually feel kind of sad that I'm deciding to leave in January. I'm actually putting off setting a final date with them, but it has to be done. And then on the Sunday there's going to be a Cantonese meetup, my first, if I make it. I like the idea of being able to practice my cantonese with new people.

And then on the weekend before actual Xmas, a couple of friends from Hong Kong are coming over to stay with me at my mum's abode.

It's going to be a good month.