alienation
I had a whole day today, where for the first time, I did not actually have anything to do. I should point out that this is different from having stuff to do, but instead choosing to do nothing. I had one of those days in which the unemployed have, a day of frustrating non-productivity, where even if you did go out and do something banal, such as yoga, or shopping, you knew you were only doing it to mask the depressing fact that you are alone, and job less. And your house becomes this cold, dark, sad depressing place which seems to propagate this feeling. Nobody called me, I had no appointments social or otherwise, I don’t even have any friends in which I could just call up at a moments notice to hang out somewhere, like, well, I guess like normal people do.
It’s not that I’ve never had good friends, I can remember times in my past when I was really happy, where for that moment in time, I fit in. But I seem to have this unlucky, unhappy, trait of losing people that I befriend, mostly due to geography. Yes, I know it probably has something to do with me and my personality, and I totally accept that. It’s just that... damn, it’s hard, it is so hard being alone, it’s hard feeling alone and unwanted.
I hate having to admit that I’m lonely, there’s just something so ... sad and pathetic about it. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. And I would even go so far as to say that it’s part of what I am, who I am, I feel as though I’ve spent almost 50 % of my life so far feeling alone. I feel sad and unhappy about it, because I feel that it’s not right, and I can’t understand why this is the way my life has turned out. I feel frustrated, I feel that in a parallel universe I would have friends, and I would be going out to parties and so forth and having fun. I feel sad at all the fun I’m losing out on simply because I’m not in the right universe, and then I panic at the thought that this is the only shot I have, and I’m screwing it up. I suppose when I see lonely people or read about them, that’s what I think as well, sad. But I guess not everyone will admit to being lonely, or indeed if they were lonely will consider it a problem. I view it as a problem though, and nowadays am constantly scheming about how to meet more people. With me though, finding a place where I really fit in, is going to be one of those on going struggles, and possibly a life long dream, the way some people dream about having that car, or the big house by the beach. Who can say if I will ever reach that state of fitting in, perhaps in the end I will have tried for so long, that maybe one day I’ll just accept my fate and give up.
The trick is, I suppose, is to find something constructive to do in the mean time.

finish!
trying to finish my thesis is like trying to hold your breath whilst swimming under water across the length of a swimming pool. you start off thinking, ok that shouldn't be so hard, so you hold your breath, dive under the water, and swim and swim and swim, but when you come up for air, the other end of the pool is still miles away. so you do it again, only this time, you take in more air before going under, and you swim harder and faster. but despite doing all this, when you come up again for air, you still haven't reached the end. i haven't been to the library in months and months, i haven't been shopping, i'm still reading the same book that i was reading over 6 months ago. every waking minute, if i'm not working, then i'm either working on my thesis, or watching tv - well, a girl's got to chill out some way. tv's the next best thing to sex with a gorgeous boyfriend, and its been a long time since i've had one of those. actually i can't honestly say i've ever had a gorgeous boyfriend, just one ugly one, the fate of being not so pretty, and not so sleek, one might suppose. but i digress, because the point is I finished! I finished my thesis! and now, now... i have to think about the rest of my life. you know how some times describe their life as an open book? because that is what it is now... instead of having go through a check list of life's have to's: right, primary school, check, secondary school, check, GCSE's, A-levels, university, driving license check check check check. i guess in doing the PhD I was partly extending that check list, postponing the inevitable, the free fall into reality, the big, wide, world. the thing is, i had a taste of the real world, in between my first degree and my postgrad, where i had to work, albeit reluctantly. it wasn't anything particularly awe inspiring, your usual every day, day to day living. having a moderately crazy boyfriend relieved the tedium some what, and i have some nice memories of drives along country roads during the nicest times of the years that britain can be so good at, sunny spring days, cool summer breezes, crisp warm autumn glow. now if i have those experiences, its with girlfriends, or on my own, which never really quite hits the spot. i've started thinking about these things now, having freed up a lot of time of which i almost had none before. and i feel sad, the next week stretches out in front of me like a big empty field, where i have no work commitments, but even sadder still, no social commitments. do you know how i long for adventure? for both mental and physical stimulation? i am ready to be taken away by some hard bodied man with a warm soul on a road trip across large countries, maybe hold up a few sweet shops, start a few bar brawls, gate crash some parties. for now, i shall have to settle for films and books, maybe go on some courses. i'd really like to learn how to direct a film, or become a biologist and look after wild animals. but perhaps i shall try to write a book, the way i have always wanted to.